On my eleventh birthday, I drowned in a lake, seaweed wrapped around my ankles, dragging me down to the depths. On my thirteenth birthday it was a man and when I woke up in the forest dry leaves covered my face as if I had been there for weeks. Seven years later it was a shotgun and it wasn’t an accident. Some part of me knows it won’t end, it cant end until it is finished. Why cant it be now?

in the woods by a lake named after an animal, there is a remnant of something that should have happened but didn't. an imprint of something left behind. i wonder if the people passing feel it too.


Our God, Heaven cannot hold him, nor earth sustain;
Heaven and earth shall flee away when he comes to reign.

You don't need to be scared anymore. I am here with you. You do not know what you are capable of until you have done it.
Is that why the worst thing you can comprehend is the thoughts your own mind had subjected you to?

somehow adknowledging that i am only human
that i have the weaknesses that all humans do
has been the hardest part to comprehend

A plague.
They are the creatures that living would have incriminated but death leaves spotless.
The careless that leave the shrapnel of their lives inside the bodies of others.


I shall not see the shadows,
I shall not feel the rain;
I shall not hear the nightingale
Sing on, as if in pain:
And dreaming through the twilight
That doth not rise nor set,
Haply I may remember,
And haply may forget.

How can you love someone without knowing who they are?
Isn't it funny how much easier it is?
Your mind can conjure up a bridge between your own thoughts and the person you love.
Perhaps it's like falling in love with yourself, or who you wish you could be.
A strange dance between you and the neurons firing in your brain, pretending like a child in a game.


Nostalgia in reverse, the longing for yet another strange land, grew especially strong in spring.

i need you, the reader, to imagine me so I can exist.
There are two deaths.
One that comes when your life ends, one that comes when you are forgotten.
Close your eyes and think of me.


I don't think it's wise to lose yourself in the past.
only when it can be changed.
only a little while longer.

just don't leave yet.